Heart of Darkness

Skender had spent his previous day and night in the most agonizing pain and turmoil. He had known that Roxana was leaving. A part of him had proved it to himself. She would leave. He wasn’t that important to her. Another part wanted to tear everything down and go find her. Mark her and make her his forever and if she ever planned to leave again, force her to stay. That didn’t sound like the most healthy relationship nor was he one to enjoy the company of someone who didn’t want him.

He was grateful for the blood that he had or he might not have been able to fight himself but Lucrezia was now on his list of people to punish. He was sure this was her doing, but he also had himself to blame for telling her to do whatever she wanted.

‘She is a woman?’

Skender could hear them talk outside, repeating the same question as if an answer or seeing it with their own eyes wasn’t enough. Roxana had left them in shock. Some were still confused and others could only focus on their hurt pride. How could a woman have trained with them? How could she have been better than them? How could the king have allowed such a thing? It was a disgrace. It was unacceptable.

Skender knew he had put himself in a very tight position but right now he wouldn’t care if the world around him burned down as long as Roxana was safe. He had truly lost his mind. God, he was so close to carrying her back to his room but that would shock her even more. Many thoughts were already racing through her mind.

She was so troubled that she even forgot about the pain in her feet. Why did he lie for her? Since when did he know her identity? Would he ask her why she lied to him? Would he believe her if she told him the truth? That she meant him no harm. That she had been in turmoil because of her feelings and her plans. He might just think it was another lie. But why then? Why was he doing this? Did he plan to punish her in some other way?

Skender didn’t want to ask any of these questions. He already had his answers, and did he want to punish her even though that was his first thought. To lash out and scold her but he couldn’t. Not when she was like this.

Once they arrived outside his chamber he turned around. “Peter, bring something for her wounds,” he ordered.

The guard gave him a nod and left and Skender nodded for Roxana to follow him inside. The door closed behind them and Roxana stopped right in front of it, afraid to step in any further.

Skender turned to face her but she kept her head low and her ruffled hair covered most of her face. She kept her hands at the front, holding each other in a nervous gesture. She wore an old white dress, simple with no support underneath. Probably for comfort’s sake while asleep. He felt his anger rise again. He shouldn’t overreact if he didn’t want to make things harder for her.

“Sit…” Before he could finish his sentence her legs gave in and without thinking, he was beside her and caught her in his arms.

She grasped into him for a moment but pushed herself up. “I am fine.” She breathed trying to stand steadily again in a failed attempt.

“Come,” he said ignoring her try.

He put one arm around her waist and helped her to the couch where she sat down. She still avoided his gaze.

Skender knew he should say something to make it believable. This was confusing to her. But what was he supposed to say? I knew because I could read your mind and I don’t care that you lied and wanted to steal?

A knock interrupted his frustration. “Come in.” He called.

Peter walked in with two servants who came with supplies for the wounds. “Just leave it on the table.” He told them.

Now they wondered if he would care for her himself. This was what he shouldn’t do. He knew how favored people were treated but he did want to care for himself. Just like she had cared for him.

Once they left he took the supplies and went on one knee in front of her. Just as he reached for her leg she drew it back with a gasp. “What are you doing?”

He looked up and she gazed at him with eyes wide, both her legs bent and pulled up to her chest.

“Helping tend to your wounds.”

She shook her head violently. “You shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

She looked at him baffled. “Because…because you are the king.”

“Then you should obey your king,” he told her, making another attempt to grab her ankle.

This time she let him, but she was still hesitant.

Skender gently wiped the blood and dirt away from her feet. She was tense at first, as if ready to pull back any time but then she relaxed. He put the medicine paste on her wounds and then bandaged them.

Roxana was awfully quiet, even in her head and when he looked up, he was surprised to find tears in her eyes.

“Why…are you crying?”

A tear escaped her eye and she quickly wiped it away before shaking her head. “I am sorry. I don’t know.” She admitted pulling herself away again. “I have caused you trouble.”

More tears streamed down her face. She truly didn’t know why she was crying. He guessed that she was just overwhelmed.

Skender wanted so badly to pull her into his arms and hold her close. Comfort her. But that would only confuse her more. And him. He shouldn’t make things more complicated.

He. Shouldn’t!

***********

Roxana couldn’t stop the tears. She didn’t want to cry in front of him. She didn’t want this to look like another facade or a way to gain his sympathy. But she couldn’t stop those damned tears.

“I am sorry,” she said wiping them away just for her face to get wet again.

Alexander got up and sat beside her. He then put one arm gently around her shoulders, in a comforting manner. That was when she began to sob uncontrollably. Lord, she wasn’t a weeper. Why was she crying?

Alexander pulled her close to him. She could feel his hot breath in her hair and she just wanted to lean onto him and let herself get comforted but she had already caused enough trouble. If she stayed here any longer, people would talk. They probably already were.

“I am sorry, Your Majesty.” She pulled away. “If I may, I want to go home for a while.”

He nodded. “Gary will escort you.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to trouble anyone.” She rose from her seat, wiping her tears away she adjusted her hair.

“You have no shoes.” He told her.

“I will be alright.”

His soft gaze hardened and he stood up. “Gary will escort you home.” He said with finality.

Roxana knew he was trying to help, even though she couldn’t comprehend why but just wanted to be alone for a moment. To make sense of things and calm those tears but Alexander insisted that Gary take her home. He arranged a carriage and gave her his coat to cover herself. She wanted more of it. More of the covering up. She felt like running away. Hiding somewhere. Crawling into a corner. Why could she not stop these tears?!

Gary sat quietly at first during the ride, but even he got bothered by her tears. “Are you hurting somewhere?” He asked.

She shook her head.

“Then…why are you crying?”

She looked up at him. “Are you not upset with me?”

He shrugged. “You did what you had to do. But I doubt that is why you are crying.”

“I am sorry.” She told him, sincerely.

He gave a faint nod and then looked away.

When they arrived at her home, Gary looked around confused. “Where is your house?”

She pointed at the old ship she lived in. “You live there?” He was surprised.

She nodded.

Now he looked at her differently. Perhaps slightly concerned.

“It is comfortable. I like it and it is near the ocean. It is beautiful.” She said. She wasn’t lying. She liked her home.

Gary nodded, watching the ship curiously. Then he looked at her. “Those men, why did they do this to you?”

“I…” She sighed. “I took a loan from him and didn’t pay it back. I… have not lived decently.”

“Well, now that you are a guard, you can start to live differently.”

Could she? Or would her feelings ruin things this time? If she wanted to change her life, she would have to bury those feelings. She would have to become a true guard, especially after what the king did for her.

But she still wondered why?