Heart of Darkness

Roxana slowly walked her way back home, her mind not following her steps. In her mind, she was still trapped between her sword and Alexander’s body. He was still whispering in her ear.

‘I had already kissed you a thousand times in my mind. Tempted by your scent. Tortured by your presence.’ His words echoed in her mind.

He was also… attracted to her. He was!

Oh, Lord! She would have danced her way home if the part where they couldn’t be together didn’t gnaw at the back of her mind. But that she already knew. She shouldn’t be so disappointed. He was the King. It was his duty to ensure the safety and wellness of his kingdom and so he would marry someone beneficial. She should look on the bright side. At least, he reciprocated her feelings. But… was her feelings only attraction? She wanted it to be but the pain in her heart was telling her otherwise.

So maybe he didn’t reciprocate her feelings. Maybe, he was only attracted to her. He would forget her soon and find someone suitable. He didn’t say he liked her. Only that he was tempted. Well, she had heard that before even if it wasn’t said in a way that made her heart beat wildly.

Roxana sighed. But why then? If he was only tempted, he could have his way with her but he didn’t. Was it because he was not that kind of man or because he cared about her?

Oh, God! She could comprehend nothing.

When she arrived at the dock, she looked at her home. There was a part of her that wanted to go inside and spill everything out to Fanny, but she knew he would panic. He would start to pack again, so she just sat at the dock, letting her bare feet into the cool water.  But her body remained hot. Bothered. Why did he talk to her like that? He even said her name that he avoided for some odd reason. He kept calling her Rox when she wasn’t anymore.

And now he would try to avoid her. He was already sending her to nightshifts only and then he said he would find another way. He would probably make her a guard somewhere else in the castle where they would barely see each other. Roxana tried to console herself by thinking that she at least kept her job but it didn’t ease the pain in her heart.

A sudden touch on her shoulder startled her. “Roxana?”

Uncle Ben looked down upon her, worried. “I called you several times.”

“Uh…I didn’t hear you.”

He sat down beside her. “What bothers you? Did something happen? Are they bullying you as a female guard?”

“No.” She smiled. “I am alright.” She looked at the pot in his hands. “Did you make food again? I should be the one to cook you a meal, but mine would taste terrible.”

“It is time you learned now. You will get married soon.”

Roxana laughed. “To whom. A very old man?”

“I won’t let that happen. Only if I had a son, I would make you my daughter-in-law.” He said. Oh, this man. He was lifting her mood. “But I don’ have a son, so you are my daughter now and we will find yourself a young handsome husband and myself a good son in law.”

“And where will we find him?”

“God’s land is large.” He said.

Yes. But people’s minds were small, restricted by social norms and she was soon twenty-four and covered in scars. She wasn’t a thief anymore but she was a guard. A female guard. No man would want to marry such.

Did the king really find her desirable? He wouldn’t find her so tempting if he knew what was hidden beneath her clothes. As she changed into a dress in her cabin, Roxana looked at her bare body in the mirror. Her back was the worst. It was covered in scars and her legs too. Then she had a few marks from when she was almost kicked to death around her hips. Not wanting to see them any longer, she slid into her dress. Then she looked at her bruised face. The bruises were fading but still visible. Trying not to care for how she looked, she went to the kitchen where uncle Ben was preparing food. Just then Fanny arrived, leaving his shoes at the door.

“Oh. It smells delicious.” He said.

He hurried to come and sit with them. Uncle Ben poured them the vegetable soup he made for a change. “So how was your first day as a female guard?” Fanny asked.

She shrugged. “It was alright.”

“I am sure you are a distraction to the male guards.” Uncle Ben said.

“Barely.” She took a sip of the soup. Tomorrow was training day and she would have to face Sir Fulker and the other trainees. They would probably not be so kind as Gary and Peter.

“Well, you could use your womanly charms to get yourself one of the lords, perhaps.”

Roxana chuckled. “You think too much of me, uncle Ben.”

“Well, if you listened to me I would even tell you to seduce the king.”

Fanny spit out his soup and began coughing.

Uncle Ben chuckled. “He fancies her already.”

“I hope not. We don’t want her in trouble.” Fanny said.

“That isn’t trouble. She will have the king’s attention. Every woman wants that.”

“Well, I don’t want her to have his attention unless he is willing to give her more than that. She isn’t one to be….ugh.” He gave up. “I am saying she deserves more.”

“He will give her more.”

“How do you know?”

“He already changed the rules for her. A man in his position would not do such a thing for a woman that he is casually interested in. She would normally be dead right now.” Uncle Ben argued.

Roxana stopped eating and turned to Uncle Ben. “Do you think he has stronger feelings?”

“Roxana. I know men. That man likes you and I knew it since the day he took you home and ate the fish head soup with us. I was only skeptical because you were a man but it makes sense now that he knew all along. And he kept your secret to keep you close to him.”

Right. She forgot that he kept her secret in the whirl of all emotions. But he didn’t give her an answer to why when she had asked him.

Oh, she was glad she had uncle Ben here.

“Uncle Ben. He told me today…” She paused thinking of how he had phrased it all. She was embarrassed to tell it as it was.

“What did he tell you?” Uncle Ben listened carefully as if he expected what she would say.

“That…” he was tempted. Had imagined kissing her. Wanted to brand her as his. “Well, he said he wanted to make me his, but he can’t.”

Shockingly, uncle Ben hit the table with his spoon, causing both her and Fanny to jump. Then Fanny’s eyes widened. “He said that?”

“I knew it!” Uncle Ben exclaimed, happy that he was right. “You got yourself the king!”

“Uncle… he said he can’t!” She reminded.

“That is a good thing.”

Roxana was confused.

“It means he considered you in the position to make you his Queen which is what he can’t do. Otherwise, he could.”

Right…

“It is understandable. He has a responsibility but you are not going to make it easy for him.” Uncle Ben told her.

“What do you mean?” Roxana asked.

Uncle Ben gave her a baffled look. “What I mean is…you need to make him change a few more rules.”

“I can’t make him. How can I make him? He is already planning to discard me.”

“And you are just going to let him?”

“He is the king!”

“And you are Roxana. You are fearless. Adventures. You get what you want.”

“Well, you know how that went.” She said looking down.

“You were doing something wrong then but this isn’t wrong. There is no wrong in loving someone.”

Roxana shook her head. Why was he suddenly speaking of love?

“No, but things can still go wrong. I can lose my job.”

Uncle Ben looked at her with a tilted head like he had enough. “I think this experience has broken your spirit. What happened to taking risks?”

“Things are going well now. I don’t want to risk anything.”

“Alright. Then keep your job and die alone when you finally have a young man who likes you.” Frustrated he slapped Fanny on the arm. “This is your fault. As her brother, you should ensure she gets married and has a family. I am dying soon and if something happens to you then she is left alone.  Even if nothing happens you can always get a family. Then what about her?” He scolded.

Roxana proceeded to eat her food and ignored them. There was no point in all of this.

“She won’t die alone!” Fanny said.

“Then why haven’t you found her a man yet? Do you know how hard it is? Can you ensure she gets married?”

“Yes!” Fanny said hitting the table, almost spilling her soup.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

He turned to her with some fire in his eyes. “Roxana!”

“What?” He was going to scold her again.

“You will follow your heart.” He told her.

She looked up at him, surprised. Did he mean…

“You said he was a rare jewel and we don’t walk away from rare jewels once we find them. Do we?”

“Fanny?”

“Listen to me. You follow your heart so you have no regrets. If anything goes wrong or if you lose your job, I will take care of it. It will be his loss. We, like always will find a way.”

Tears filled her eyes.

“Now you talk like a man.” Uncle Ben said feeling proud of Fanny.

Fanny looked at her with a reassuring smile.

“How am I supposed to do that?” She said fighting back the tears. These men made her emotional and she was afraid now because this ‘risking’ involved her heart.

“You have always done the impossible,” Fanny told her.

She looked at him for a long moment then turned to uncle Ben. “My dear Roxana. Don’t underestimate love. Love can move mountains. Love can make us fly and it can also bring the strongest of men to their knees.”