Heart of Darkness

Roxana hadn’t meant to sound so afraid but she was. Maybe even more than she thought she would. She knew her scars affected her but she didn’t think she was this deeply affected. The way she had panicked and pushed him away was not the reaction she thought she would have if a time ever came when he would see her scars. Perhaps it was due to the fact that she felt so desired at that moment that she became afraid to see an expression of disgust soon after. Even if she didn’t believe Alexander was such a man, her scars were no tiny ones.

Alexander remained standing with his back to her. She wondered what went through his mind. She pushed herself down from the table and her legs felt funny as she walked over to him.

“Alexander,” she whispered when she was right behind him where he stood near the small couch. He held the backrest leaning forward, like a tormented man.  He had to know she wanted him too, that the reason she pushed him wasn’t because of rejection. God, it wasn’t even for the reason to remain chaste. Her mind had lost all reasoning at that moment.

Alexander turned to her slowly and her heart skipped a beat when she took notice of his eyes. They were darker than she had ever seen them, yet they had a certain glow. A dark silver gleam over the midnight blue. And there was also darkness around his eyes. As if there was more shadow cast on them. She also thought the veins around them looked more prominent.

Closing his eyes he took a deep breath before opening them again. They softened as he looked at her.

“Are you… alright?” She asked for some odd reason. Why would she ask that? He even frowned at her question.

“Yes.” He breathed.

“I-I…”

“I was going too fast. I understand.” He said surprising her. “I-I don’t mean to treat you that way. You deserve to be treated like a lady.”

Roxana blinked and blinked again.

Of course, she didn’t want to be a mistress or have an affair. She wanted something decent even if she wasn’t a lady. A soft smile curved her lips as her heart melted. Could she like this man anymore? She was happy he wanted to treat her right.

“I should take you home.” He said.

What?! Why? Did he want to be rid of her?

“I am guessing you didn’t get much sleep between the shifts and…” he spoke as his eyes studied her. He reached for her hair carefully as if afraid she might disappear. “I ruined your hair.” He said trying to adjust it.

It wasn’t only her hair that was ruined. Her dress was out of place and her heart and mind had definitely left her body.

Alexander tried to gently adjust her hair but the ribbon came off in the process. “Oh…” he held it in his hand and looked at it wondering what he should do. At that moment he looked so innocent that she wanted to laugh.

“Well… um…” he looked confused about what to do for a moment then his eyes stopped darting and he looked at her firmly. “May I?” He asked her with a gesture to turn around.

Roxana turned around, liking the feeling of being taken care of. Alexander gathered her hair in his hands and fumbled with it for a while. She wondered if he would succeed in tying it?

‘I love your hair,’ she suddenly remembered his words.

He did? Her hair was damaged. What did he love about it?

‘It is like the soft sunrays of spring.’ As she recalled those words it was like he was whispering them with that sinfully seductive voice all over again. She shivered.

When he stopped fumbling with her hair she guessed that he had managed to tie it. She reached for it and he had made a good knot. Not the beautiful bow that Angelica made but something to hold her hair in place.

She also took notice of the tiny adjustment he made to her dress, pulling the sleeve that he had pulled down her shoulder up again. She turned to him. Now he looked calmer, his eyes were back to being a beautiful sapphire but they looked slightly troubled.

“Let me take you home,” he said. There was a plea but also an urgency in his words as if there was a danger in her staying.

She didn’t want to force anything so she agreed. At least he would walk her home and she probably needed some fresh air to cool down.

Alexander took her through the secret passage again. “I just don’t want to explain myself.” He said, explaining to her why they were taking the secret passage.

She couldn’t help the smile at his unawareness.

On their way home, she understood why Alexander hid his face when he went outside as the king. It allowed him to be able to walk freely without many people recognizing him when he snuck out. Still, he pulled the hoodie over his head when they went through a crowded place, but it wasn’t for fear of being recognized. It was because people stared and he wanted to avoid the attention.

They walked quietly almost half the way home, both relishing in the cool air, calming their heartbeats if it was even possible because she kept recalling what happened. And then she wondered what would happen now between them? What was going on?

Lost in thought she stumbled over a stone and reached out to grab something to hold on to. His hand was there to catch hers and they looked at each for a moment, the simple touch reigniting the dimming flame. Started they both pulled their hands away.

Alexander put his hands in his pockets and they proceeded to walk. This time the silence became eerie as they were suddenly aware of each other again, after getting out of their heads.

Roxana tried to find something to talk about. “Angelica spoke well about you. She said you were like a brother.” Roxana said and grimaced at her bad attempt to start a conversation.

“I am protective of her and William.” He told her.

She nodded thoughtfully.

“Why?” She asked without thinking.

He was quiet and thoughtful for a moment. “Besides the fact that they are good and lovable people, they are closest to what I had and lost.”

She frowned.

“I only ever had one friend. My only connection to the outside world. I grew up isolated. My friend brought some light into my life… just to turn into complete darkness after I lost…” he shook his head as if he shouldn’t speak about it.

“You lost your friend?”

He nodded.

“I am sorry for your loss.” She said feeling sad that he only ever had a friend. Heavy is the crown indeed. Being a king must be so lonely.

He gave her a faint smile and they arrived near her home. The breeze from the ocean blew her hair sideways.

“I could be your friend.” She said, ‘if you trust me despite my shadiness’ she added in her mind.

He came to a halt and turned to her.

“Roxana.”

Oh no. She knew that look. The ‘I am sorry but I can’t or I won’t or any other excuse’. This would be when he pushed her away.

“You deserve more than what happened today. You deserve someone who is fully committed and I can’t. That is why I think it is best if we keep our distance.”

She appreciated that he thought she deserved better and therefore wanted to keep his distance so as to not make her a mistress but… ugh. She didn’t know how to put her feelings into words. The words were stuck in her head for the first time. She wanted to have some dignity and respect and not sound desperate but at the same time, she almost wanted to ignore all those things and just take, like she was used to even if this time what she was taking could take her and she could become the prey. A mistress she certainly did not want to be. She would not be called the kings whore and watch him take a wife.

“Do you like me?” She asked him.

He blinked a few times surprised by her question then his jaw clenched as she waited for his answer. “I do.” She could tell it was very hard for him to admit that whatever the reason was.

“I like you very much.” She began. “I have traveled the whole world and …” what was she trying to say? Her heart skipped at the realization that she was going to say it as it was. Not jokingly or with dreaminess but with sincerity. After all, he did admit that he liked her. It should be something to drive her forward and not step back. She had more chance than ever now. She knew things were not easy for him. That he had so many responsibilities and he couldn’t just change the rules so easily but what did she have to lose by trying. She had the support of the people she loved. “I found a rare jewel. They are not just difficult to find but also difficult to obtain. I understand.” She smiled.

He frowned shaking his head slightly. “You don’t understand. This is not a challenge.”

“Are you afraid to lose, Your Majesty?” She asked him.

“Your tricks won’t work on me.”

“Then you have no reason to keep a distance.”

“Roxana!” He said sternly. “This is not a game. I am trying to do the right thing. I can’t…” he paused as if to stop himself from getting angry.”I can’t control myself in your presence. If you stay close to me what happened today might continue to happen and more.”

Oh, now he was trying to scare her away.

“You wouldn’t do that to me. You are not like that.”

“I am a man!” He bit off. “And many other things you don’t know. You DON’T know me.” He spoke between clenched teeth.

This was the second time he said it, almost in the same manner. She didn’t know him like he was someone else completely than the person she was looking at. She doubted it.

“Maybe you are right. Maybe you are not the person I know but then you don’t have to worry. I will find out with time and then perhaps leave you alone once I see your true colors. Unless that is what you are afraid of?”

He took a step back, his eyes narrowed, his gaze hardened. “Alright,” he said nodding with lips pressed into a thin line. What was he agreeing to? “I am afraid.” He then admitted, surprising her. “Even terrified. Am I a coward for not wanting to hurt again? For not wanting to open my heart once again. Am I a fool for trying to not make the same mistake? For not taking a risk?”

What- what was he talking about? Open his heart again? Hurt again?

His eyes glistened with pain. “I told you. You don’t know me. My royal duties are not the reason I am keeping a distance. I don’t…” His face twisted in pain. “I don’t want you in my heart,” he almost whispered the words as if it pained him to say it. “And I don’t think you don’t want to be there either. It is a dark place full of hurt, anger, and resentment. Full of distrust.” His body was stiff, his hands clenched at the sides of his body.

Roxana’s head swirled with so many thoughts as she tried to make sense of what he was saying.

He took a deep breath trying to calm down. “Well, now you know a little more and I have no desire to share more.” He took another step back. “Good night.” He said and left her standing with the many questions.