Heart of Darkness

“Oh. The poor man had his heart broken?” Fanny said when Roxana shared her confusion with him.

That was what she thought as well. She had thought about his words, the pain in his eyes, and how he seemed to distance himself from her even as he spoke. Everything about him seemed defensive. The way he pulled his shoulders up slightly, his arms coming to the front of his body as if protecting his vital organs. He was protecting himself, from possible pain. She sighed with sadness. This wasn’t what she expected.

“What woman could have possibly betrayed him? He is king, handsome and you say he is a good person.” Fanny continued.

She wondered too. Who was the unlucky woman? Roxana was curious about her, about the woman whom the king loved so much that she caused him this much pain. Who was she?

“Well, I don’t know what is more difficult? Dealing with a broken heart or changing traditional rules.”

Roxana wasn’t sure either but she felt like the broken heart would be more difficult and that was based on the feelings she witnessed. He had decided not to open his heart again. What should she do?

“I need to get some sleep.” She said and excused herself.

She needed rest to think about this with a clear mind but going to bed she couldn’t fall asleep. She kept turning back and forth, thinking of his words and recalling the pain in his eyes. He didn’t trust her with his heart. Well, she was a thief and liar so he had no reason to, but she wanted to change that. She wanted him to trust her.

More than ever now she wanted to be by his side. Shower him with so much love that he would forget he ever loved someone else. God, he didn’t deserve to get his heart broken. Why a man like him? Always the good men had to get hurt. The good people had to get hurt. And here she was, someone like her still getting second chances and meeting good people.

Did she even deserve him? She turned again. Maybe she didn’t but at least she could guarantee what she would do. She couldn’t guarantee that any other woman would take care of him as she would. She would cherish his heart if he ever trusted her with it. If he ever gave her and himself a chance.

Oh, Lord. She must have lost her mind to have such thoughts. No, not her mind. It was her heart. She lost it. He took it. So easily? How? It went from jokes about desire to this?! Shaking her head at herself she closed her eyes.

In the morning after she got dressed, she went to the mirror to brush her hair. At first, she noticed briefly that her skin looked smoother, but her mind was fogged with sleep so it took a while longer before she began to wonder. She didn’t put the medicine paste given to her by Angelica overnight so why did her skin look so much better?

She leaned closer to take a look. The faint bruises were gone. They couldn’t have healed over the course of one night. Impossible.  She tried to think of what she did differently yesterday but couldn’t recall doing anything to her face.

What was happening to her? Ignoring the confusion, she went to the kitchen and found that Fanny had already made some food. She woke up late. It was already lunchtime but she needed the sleep after being awake for almost the whole night.

Roxana warmed the rice and chicken Fanny made and sat down to eat. After she was done she went to church. She felt like she needed a calm atmosphere to clear her head and ask for guidance.

Meanwhile, she also thought about her parents. Since only one bounty hunter was looking for them now, it would take longer to find them.

“I haven’t seen you in a while.” Father Anthony came to sit with her as usual.

She just shrugged. “I have been busy.”

He nodded. “I am hoping it is a good kind of busy. You seem to look better.”

She smiled. “Things are better. I have stopped stealing. Or…so I hope.”

“I hope it is a change that will remain.”

She hoped so too. She often fell back into the bad habit when things became worse again. Would things remain good this time?

“What worries you?” He asked.

“I can’t explain it.” She admitted. “It is just a feeling of dread.”

He nodded. “You are afraid now that things are good they might turn bad.”

Maybe. She wouldn’t be surprised. It had happened before but… she didn’t want it this badly before. And now time was making her question things. Doubt things. Her parents…

“Have faith. All will be well.” Father Anthony told her.

“Pray for me, Father.”

“Let’s pray together.” He said.

She nodded with a smile. After her prayer, she felt calmer. Her head was a bit more clear. She was less afraid. That was until she got that strange feeling of being followed again as she went back home. She hurried her steps. The market was nearby. She just needed to get to the safety of other people. Her feet moved faster and faster and when she thought she was a safe distance away she glanced behind her. Who would follow her in bright daylight? She could see no one.

How strange. Not sure what to make of the feeling she went back home. She decided to cook and clean to lighten Fanny’s burden who now worked long shifts with merchants and traders. He used his skill to attract customers. Then she went to prepare herself for the night shift.

Roxana tried to ignore her strangely beating her. She was nervous and unsure of what to do. Of how things would be with Alexander after what happened yesterday which was many things. Would he remove her as his guard completely? What would she say when she saw him again? It would be crucial to say the right thing this time. Her casual charm wouldn’t work on this man.

Roxana dressed accordingly. Not trying to look feminine or pretty. She would have to change her strategy this time. It wasn’t about seducing anymore but gaining his trust. Showing that she would be a loyal guard, then a friend, and perhaps then he would slowly let her in.

Her heart skipped in fear of failing, but she had no other way than to try. On her way to the castle she thought of different scenarios and how she could get out of them. This was more difficult than stealing the king’s crown.

With dread she went to the defense quarters and armed herself, then she went to the king’s quarters.

“Rox…xana.” Gary called when he saw her in the hall. He was still not used to calling her Roxana. “Lucky you tonight. You will get to perform your duties.” He smiled.

What did that mean?

“His Majesty has asked to see you as soon as you arrive. I would think you did something bad but, he is in a good mood. Perhaps you are becoming a favorite again.”

Roxana frowned with confusion. Good mood? And he asked to see her? This was far from all the scenarios she had imagined.

“Why?”

He shrugged. “How would I know?”

Her heart raced. Well, it was time to jump into the waves.

“Where is he?”

“The garden.”

She sighed. At least it was the garden and not his chambers.

Roxana made her way to the garden, calming her heart so she could focus. She had nothing to fear. It had always been win or lose. There was no other option. She had to prepare herself for both. If she won then great and if she lost then she would make sure she did her everything before accepting defeat.

Once she arrived at the garden she looked around. It was as beautiful as always but the highlight of the beauty wasn’t here. Where was he?

She went down the stairs and followed the stone steps around the tall hedges. The moon followed her around as if guarding her. In the quiet night breeze, she heard the sound of other footsteps than her own. Following the sound, she walked around the corner and finally, she found him. He was walking slowly as if he had meant for her to find him, and then he turned around.

Before she could get lost in his eyes, dream about his face or just run away, she decided to be her cheerful self. “Your Majesty,” she called and walked up to him, her steps slowing down on her way as she sensed something different.

“You came,” he said sounding normal. Maybe she panicked for a while for no reason. “I have been waiting for you.” And now the feeling came back.

She looked up at him and into his eyes. Blue sapphire. What had she been expecting?

“You were?”

“Of course. I spend my days waiting to see you.”

Really? She tilted her head to one side. Alright. She got it. Good mood, strange words. He was drunk.

“I was waiting to see you too.” She smiled.

More like dreading but never mind.

He looked at her with such intensity she began to doubt if he was intoxicated.

“That delights me to hear.” His voice… she couldn’t pinpoint what it was but it made her shiver. Not entirely in a good way. It was like it carried some hidden intent.

And the way he looked at her unsettled her in some way. It was so intense, so raw, and almost impatient. Like he wanted to drink her in with just a glance. She swallowed to wet her dry throat.

“You need not be afraid of me.” He said softening his eyes.

Why would he say that?

She chuckled. “I am not, Your Majesty.”

He reached his hand out. Again? “Walk with me.” He said.

Oh well. She would let the devil walk her to hell. Why not?

She placed her hand in his and he drew her closer. She stiffened when she was standing an inch away. His chest expanded as if he was inhaling her. “You smell so good, Roxana.”

She shivered again. Her heart accelerated as he grabbed her chin and tilted her head so he could take a look at her face. His eyes had a silver sheen to them, like the moon glowing in the midnight sky.

“I want to taste you,” he said, his voice gruff.

Before she could think he leaned down and locked his lips on hers.

Oh God. She stiffened. What was ….happe..ning? Then slowly she melted before she could finish thinking.

Alexander let go of her hand and his arm went around her waist instead.  He pulled her against his rock-hard chest and held her too tight, but it wasn’t the lack of air that shocked her. It was the way he kissed her. He sucked her into his mouth and then thrust his tongue impatiently into hers. A little too fast for her to even know what to do and it only increased as if he was getting more and more impatient.

She pulled away. “Wait!” She pleaded.

He stopped the kissing but continued to hold onto her possessively like he was ready to continue anytime.

“Can we…” She continued to gently push away but he gave her a stern look like he didn’t want to let go. She became frightened and then he released her. “We haven’t talked…about… a lot of things. About what you said yesterday.”

He took a step toward her with eyes still intense. But she realized it wasn’t only his eyes. He had this different aura. A demanding, controlling air about him. Very unlike him.

“I said some foolish things yesterday. Yes, I was hurt but I have decided that I want you.” He explained himself.

Why didn’t this make her feel better?

“But… why? You were so…”

“I know. I thought about it, Roxana. But there is no avoiding you. You are different. You are made for me. You belong to me.” He said taking another step closer. Roxana tried to keep her ground.

“Don’t be afraid of me. It hurts.” He said and this time she could see the hurt in his eyes. She became confused. “All I want is to make you mine. To have you by my side where you belong. Isn’t that what you want?”

She couldn’t bring herself to say anything and she wasn’t sure why.

“Isn’t that what you want?” He repeated.

“Yes, but… I need to know more about you.” She quickly explained.

“All you need to know is that you will never find anyone who will cherish you as I will.  I can kill for you and I can lay my life down for you. You just need to ask for it.”

Al-right. Now, this was concerning.

“Roxana!” He said frustrated. “Tell me what do you want me to do? What do I need to do to have you?”

“I-I just need… a moment.”

“How long?” He asked impatiently.

Now she took a step away from him. “You are scaring me now, Alexander.” He was like a completely different person.

He took a deep breath but she could tell he was still frustrated. “I told you. You need not be scared. I would never hurt you.”

Well, that wasn’t what scared her. It was this changed demeanor. Where was the man she knew? Had he been telling her the truth all the time? That she didn’t know him. This was his true colors? No, please. There had to be an explanation. Maybe something was going on. Maybe he had a reason for behaving this way.

He sighed. “Roxana. I am fighting myself and fighting for you. While I am offering you to become mine you have to take the offer or it might be too late. You and I want the same thing. To be together. I am making that possible now. You just have to trust me. I don’t have much time.”

What? They were going to elope? He was king.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Just… give yourself to me. Without fear or holding back.”

She just blinked at him.

“There are things about me that you don’t know.” He began.

She sure believed him this time.

“Things that might frighten you.”

Well, wasn’t that very accurate?

“But you don’t have to be frightened. We were made for each other. You just have to trust me.”

Which one of you?

“This isn’t funny Roxana,” He bit off.

She flinched at the way he looked at her. “Maybe… I should come back…some other time.” She said carefully taking a step back.

But that was it to finally make him snap. His eyes blazed and with a long step, he reached for her arm and took a hold of her.

Oh no!