Heart of Darkness

A kiss?

Roxana’s eyes dipped to his lips. Would his kiss be like the night before he collapsed? Somehow she became nervous. She wanted it to feel good like the time before that.

Alexander didn’t let her speculate much. He leaned down and melted his lips against hers. Roxana shivered. Not because she was cold but because of the warm sensation that followed his kiss. It felt like her heart dipped to her stomach and began to beat faster down there.

His lips were cold but she didn’t care for it because his kiss was inflaming. Passionate but not forceful. Deliberate as if letting her know this was exactly what he intended to do. What he wanted to do. God, she wanted it to.

She tiptoed and wrapped her arms around his neck, seeking more from his kiss, opening her mouth to him. He took advantage of the entrance and invited himself in. Explored, tasted, retreated, and then penetrated again.

Oh, Lord! She whimpered in his arms. A low hum escaped her lips at the surge of heat within her. His thumb stroked the side of her neck, right under her ear causing her beating heart to drop lower, awakening a primal need in her. As primal as his kiss that now slowly became subtle before he pulled away. Both of them took deep shallow breaths. His body was still cold and shaky as she held him. Maybe even more than before. Or was it her trembling body?

“You are still cold?” She breathed.

“More?” He asked his voice thickened with desire but he didn’t wait to take. His mouth was on hers again, hotter and hungrier. His hands played across her back then pressed her chest to his. A hungry groan came from his mouth and his chest vibrated against hers. Then he pulled away too fast as if one more second of kissing would lead to something else. He bit his lip, his body still shuddering.

He eased his hold on her body but their foreheads rested against each other, their noses colliding now and then as they tried to stabilize their breathing.

“Are you still cold?” She asked.  He was definitely shaking more than her.

He chuckled. “Oh no. I am not shaking from cold, Roxana. It is from self-restraint t.”

Self-restraint?

“A taste of you is never enough. I want all of you.” He husked.

Roxana’s heart became a wildfire. His hands caressed up and down her hips, igniting it further. Her breath staggered.

Alexander gently grabbed her jaw between his thumb and forefinger. “This is only taste, Roxana. There is so much more I want to give you. So many more ways I want to make you feel.” His hot breath was like a tingling promise of heat against her lips.

He pulled back a little to look at her. Then he caressed her burning cheek with his cold fingers. “I’ll see you tonight. Make sure to rest. I have many things to tell you.”

She nodded, still too dazed to answer.

He released her and stepped back. She shivered, suddenly feeling cold. He took her hand and kissed her knuckles. “Sleep well.” He smiled most charmingly.

Oh, lord. Could he stop before she died of a heart attack?

He smiled knowingly then motioned for her ahead. “I will wait until you go inside.”

“Make sure to rest as well. You won’t save time if you start working too soon and get sick again.”

He smiled widely. “Alright. I will rest.” He promised.

With a smile, she turned around and walked to the ship. When she came to the front door she looked back and he stood there waiting for her to go inside. She waved and he waved back. She couldn’t help the curve of her lips that turned further up. Her cheeks would hurt soon. She opened the door and went inside. Closing it she leaned against it, still smiling.

Oh god! Did she just… did she really….Alexander accepted her?

She squealed and danced her way to her room, letting herself fall on the mattress and burying her face in the pillow. Oh lord. This was a child’s act but she couldn’t stop herself. It felt like her heart would burst. She couldn’t wait until Fanny came home so she could tell him.

Oh. She screamed with joy into the pillow and then rested her head on it. She lay on her stomach and let her legs sway in the air while daydreaming of the life they could have. She could see him and talk to him all day. She could hug him, hold his hand, kiss him, and ….? Her heart skipped. She knew what a man and a woman did further. What he had promised her. She imagined them naked in the sheets and remembered what his bare body looked like. Her stomach bubbled with nervousness.

She turned around, this time lying on her back and watching the ceiling with a wildly beating heart. What a man and a woman did? Like what they had started in his study. She remembered how and where he touched her. Her cheeks flushed recalling her reaction to him. Then she thought about her scars. He would see them. Her heart dropped. She would have to let him know before they made any commitments. Why did that make her so nervous? It would be alright.

Since she only woke up before she came here, trying to sleep didn’t work. She only grew frustrated so she got up and tried to do some cleaning and cooking. At some point a knock on the door interrupted her. She put away everything and when to answer the door.

Roxana’s heart froze when she saw who was standing on the other end. It was the bounty hunter. He came back and like every time she was about to receive the news she become nervous.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning.” She greeted back. “Did you find them?” She asked impatiently.

Probably a “no” again. He didn’t look happy.

“I found your father.” He said.

Roxana stopped breathing, unable to believe what she was hearing but then she noticed the man’s worrisome expression before she could get happy.

“I am sorry but he ….”

She only needed to hear the “sorry” and the rest faded away.

No!

NO! NO!

She stumbled back a little. “It can’t be!” She said. “It is not him. You found the wrong person!”

“I am sorry, Roxana but I am sure it is your father. You were right to look for him here. He used to live in the village Nightfall. He was very well known there for his craftsmanship.”

Oh no! Her father was very good with his hands. He could turn wood into anything you wanted. This couldn’t be true. She shook her head.

“He was looking for you too before he died.”

“No!” She squeaked, tears burning her eyes. “How… how did he die?”

“The people who knew him suspected that he was ill but he kept it a secret. They found him dead in his small home.”

No! The tears escaped her eyes and streamed down her face. Her poor father. He had been ill, all alone enduring until he died with no one by his side. Suddenly she had a hard time breathing. She put a hand on her chest.

The bounty hunter looked at her concerned. “Do you have anyone at home to give you support?”

She nodded. “Yes.” She breathed. “Did… did he… were the villagers good to him?” Now that she tried to speak her tears were accompanied by the sound of cries, escaping her lips despite her attempts to hold them back so she could hear him speak.

“The people seemed to love him. They described him as talented, kind, charming, and generous.”

This only made her cry more. She choked, her heart squeezing in her chest.

“Many were saddened by his death. He was buried properly by people close to him if you want to visit his grave?”

Roxana simply cried. At least he was loved. At least he wasn’t completely alone. Oh, her sweet father. Her warm loving father. She didn’t get to see him, to hold him one more time, and to let him know she was alright so he wouldn’t blame himself for not being able to protect them.

“Here.” The bounty hunter gave her a paper. It was a drawing of her and her sister when they were about nine years old. Roxana sucked in a pained breath. “He had been looking for you. He knew you grew up and with these drawings, it was hard to find you.”

Roxana saw the handwriting of her father. It said, “my little sun” next to her picture and “my little moon” next to her sister’s.

Roxana never felt such pain and sadness before. It felt like her chest grew smaller in size. She sucked in a sharp breath again before exhaling. Swallowing the lump in her throat she forced herself to speak past the pain. “My mother? My sister?”

“I haven’t found them yet.”

She nodded.

“I don’t have enough money left.” He told her.

She understood. “Wait!” She told him.

She went to scrap together all that she had left. She didn’t care if she starved. As she looked around she came across the golden button Alexander gave her. She picked it up slowly, looking at it in her trembling hand. Her fingers closed around it, turning into a tight fist, squeezing until her knuckled became white, and then with a clenched jaw, she took it and went back to the door.

“I want you to find my mother and sister no matter what!” She told him. If he was able to find her father, then he could find the rest of her family. She held out her fist, watching her hand open slowly to reveal the button inside. “This is Gold.” She told him. “You can travel and go anywhere you like with this amount. Find them!”

He looked between her and the button before picking it up slowly. “I will.” He said. Giving her a curt nod. He stepped back and she closed the door. She stood still for what felt like forever. The world spun and spun around her but she wasn’t moving. It was like she was punishing herself. Standing there until her legs hurt. Until her old tears dried and got replaced by new ones. And when her legs couldn’t hold her anymore she just fell down in the same place, right in front of the door.

The weather became a bit cold and the wind entered threw a small opening in the window, bit by bit blowing the drawing of herself and her sister closer. She moved her head for the first time when the paper was close by. She picked it up slowly and looked at it for a moment. Her eyes went to the letters written by her father.

‘My Little sun. My little moon.’

“Father!” She whispered her tears streaming faster. “Father!” She then cried this time louder and then louder until noisy sobs were leaving her lips. She hugged the paper and lay curled on the ground, crying aloud. “No, please. Father! Don’t leave me! Don’t go! Please!”

Ah, what was this pain?

“Roxana!”

She stiffened and then quickly pushed herself up to look around. Alexander was standing there inside the ship, a look of sadness and concern on his face.

Was she hallucinating now? She was sure she didn’t open the door to anyone. She wiped the tears away just to see more clearly. He was standing there.

He approached her slowly and knelt beside her. He reached out and gently placed his cool palm on her cheek. He was really here.

“Alexander.” She cried again.

He moved closer and pulled her into his arms. Roxana sobbed into his chest, clutching his shirt tightly.

“It will be alright.” He whispered calmly against her hair while gently stroking her back.

“My father is dead! He is dead! I want to die!” She burst out.

He held her more tightly as if knowing she needed it. “It is painful.” He agreed.

“It hurts so much.”

He said nothing more. He just held her knowing no words could soothe her pain right now. Her legs began to cramp after a while. She wasn’t sure if she told him because he suddenly carried her up and took her to bed. He lay down with her, still holding her in his arms and stroking her back. He murmured some foreign words to her, strangely calming, reminding her of the good days with her father. The warmth of his hugs. His protective strength. For a moment she felt like he was hugging her again. Like she was protected again.