Heart of Darkness

“Roxana!” Alexander came running after her.

“Why don’t you go fishing, Your Majesty. That must be more fun.” She threw her hair back, something she did when she wanted to display female confidence.

“Then what?”

“Nothing:” She said.

“It is surely more fun than nothing.” He teased. “But I want to stay by your side. I need protection. You are my guard. Remember?”

“There is no threat here.” She said.

“Are you sure? It seemed like there were many threats just now. I thought that was why you came out.”

She took a deep breath to remain calm. “You are teasing me now.” She pointed to the annoyance not easing a bit. She didn’t know what had gotten into her.

“I can’t help it. I like your possessiveness.”

Huh? She turned to him wide-eyed. “Posse–possessive? Who? I am not possessive.”

He smiles amused as they arrived at the ship.

“Jealous then?” He raised a brow.

She scoffed. “Jealous? Me? I don’t even know what that means, Your Majesty.”

He laughed the most satisfying sound that made her stomach bubble in a strange way.

“So you are just angry?” He questioned.

“I am fine.” She said opening the door and entering her home. He was right behind her and in the hall he grabbed her arm and turned her around, pulling her into his embrace. She was surprised by the sudden act.

“Roxana.” He brought one hand to caress her cheek. “Do you know that even the beautiful moon fades in the light of the sun?” He watched her face, his gaze following the movement of his hand before looking into her eyes.  “You are my sunshine. You give me warmth, strength, and life. You are the reason waking up feels like a blessing and not a curse anymore.”

Why was he suddenly making her teary-eyed? “You speak nonsense.” She muttered.

“You are very resilient to me these days.” He pointed.

These days?

“I was never easy.” She looked straight into his eyes.

He chuckled, his chest vibrating against hers. “Of course not. You didn’t tell me the first day we met that your heart became still at the sight of me.”

“Well, that is because you look heavenly.”

“But I have no other attractive qualities?” He question.

Unbelievable. “I just gave you a compliment. Is that not enough?”

“No…” he began. “I already know I look heavenly. You tell me all the time.”

“I don’t think I do that all the time.”

“You do. Your eyes are very expressive.”

She gave him the sternest hateful look she could make. “What do my eyes tell you now?”

“Oh,” He pulled his head back. “That is a dangerous look.” He said with a warning that seemed to have a sinister meaning behind it. “You do something to me when you have that angry look.”

Roxana tried to stop the heat rising to her face. She was used to being the flirt not the other way around. Suddenly feeling nonconfident in this situation where he was the teaser and she was the one blushing, she pushed herself away and cleared her throat.

She tried to come up with something to do now that they were alone. It felt like he took the whole space in the ship with his distracting presence and masculine scent.

“What do you want to do today?” He asked.  “We can do anything you want.”

Oh well, that was a risky suggestion. She shook her head. No. She was the only one having sinful thoughts.

Oh lord heavenly father. I take shelter in you.

“I just want to rest.” She said.

“Come then.” He took her hand and led her back to her room. Her mind went wild with imagination and her heart began to beat rapidly. Oh god, stop it! She told herself. It was bright daylight and Uncle Ben would be here soon.

Alexander sat on the mattress and pulled her down to sit between his legs. She leaned back against him and he wrapped his arms around her. Oh, alright. This she could enjoy.

They sat quietly for a long moment but it was peaceful. They watched their hands hold and their fingers entangle.

“How did you get inside last night?” She asked, her memories going down the lane she tried to avoid.

“I… materialized myself in.”

She frowned. “What do you mean?”

“It needs a lot of explaining. It will tire your brain now.”

“Then I definitely want to know.” She needed to focus on something else so she wouldn’t go back to crying.

“We can’t avoid certain topics. Certain problems. I have tried that, Roxana. I have tried so hard to ignore the pain as if it would just disappear if I did. It doesn’t. If I were to tell you how I got in, we would end up talking about the very thing you want to avoid.”

Of course, he knew she was avoiding it.

“It just…” the tears began to burn again. “hurts so much.”

He held her tight and kissed her hair. “I know.”

“And I don’t want to cry all day. I don’t want to cry in front of you.”

“Why?”

She couldn’t say it.

“Because I lost my parents too? You feel like you shouldn’t cry because you think I have been through worse pain? Perhaps I have but that doesn’t make your pain any less valid.” He told her. “If we don’t hurt the most when a loved one is lost, then when will we hurt the most? ” He stroked her hair speaking calmly. “More happiness does not equal less pain. It just makes it more tolerable. To live also means to suffer. You just have to find what is worth suffering for.”

To live meant to suffer? Why did she feel that so deeply?

More tears streamed down her face. She had endured all suffering, and accepted it, because one day she would be rewarded. She would see her parents. They would be the ones worth suffering for and she would do it all over again, just to see them. She would go through double of it, just to see her father again. But she couldn’t now. It was too late. He was gone.

“What made you endure the pain?” She asked.

He was quiet for a moment. “I had no reason to endure but I had no choice. I couldn’t escape it so I tried to avoid it but that only led to emptiness that later led to more pain.”

“You had no reason?”

“I couldn’t find a reason.” He paused for a long moment as if he got lost in thought. “I-I didn’t think I could bring any good.”

He became a destroyer instead of a defender. He was called useless. She remembered those words he told her.

She turned around, her shoulder meeting his chest. “I already told you but I will say it again. You bring a lot of good to many people. You brought me luck since the day I met you.” She smiled thinking of how they met and then she remembered the button.

Guilt suddenly struck her and pain tightened her chest. “I-I…” She couldn’t even speak. “I gave …I gave it away. The golden button you gave me…I gave it away.”

She looked down at her hands, more tears burning her eyes. That was a precious memory she gave away. Her first time meeting him. She had wanted to keep it forever.

He took her hand and kissed her knuckles. “Don’t worry. I still have the jacket missing the button.”

She smiled through the tears. “I really want to keep it.” She said.

“I know. You have the man who gave you the button. Do I make up for it?” He held his arms out as if he wanted her to take a good look at him. She shook her head at him.

“You do.” She said feeling less sad about it.

He gave her a satisfied smile and she pushed him playfully with her shoulder. Men and their love for compliments. Silly and precious beings.

She spent the rest of the morning with Alexander, talking to him about her parents and her past. As painful as it was it also felt good, remembering the good days with her parents and telling Alexander of it. Telling him about what kind of people her parents were.

“They sound like lovely parents.” He said.

“Yes. I think you would have liked my father and he would have liked you.” That brought a different kind of pain. “I hope you get to see my mother and sister at least.” She forced a smile.

“I hope so too.” He said.

Then she told him about the painful part. About how the fall of their king led to many wars and many small groups who took the opportunity to plunder and take over villages. She was taken by one of them and they sold her further to another group who used children to work as miners. But she refused to do so and managed to escape. Then she told him of her journey from trying different jobs to feed herself to being thrown out, and punished, and then how she became a thief after she met Fanny who was dressed as a woman. She had believed him to be a girl for a long time.

“I don’t know how you can be so easily fooled,” Alexander said.

“Oh, believe me, he looked very feminine when we were younger. It became harder with age but it was very easy for him back. He looked more beautiful than I did as a girl. So many boys were attracted to him.” She chuckled remembering those fun days.

He smiled at her chuckle. “I am glad you had some fun at least.”

“It wasn’t that bad. I always saw myself as being luckier. I saw many people during my journey who had more than I did but they didn’t have freedom. I was at least free and that made me happier than they were.”

He nodded thoughtfully.

“I didn’t care about what people thought. I didn’t have to live by certain rules even if they did affect me. I didn’t have to answer to anyone but God. I was happy even if I was suffering.” She said with realization.

“You inspire me.” He told her.

She smiled shyly this time. There were just certain compliments she wasn’t used to.

“I was a thief, Alexander.” She reminded.

He looked at her unfazed. “I am glad you stole my heart.”